Man, getting lucky has nothing to do with luck.
Men and Marriage, Part 3
Wes Johnson, LPC, LMHC
When we think of intimacy, our minds often jump to the sexual relationship in marriage. While that's certainly a part of it, true intimacy goes much deeper. For men, it can be easy to focus on initiating sexual intimacy. Be mindful of your motivations. If your efforts feel insincere, they can be perceived as mere preludes to sex, making your motives suspect and creating pressure. Authentic intimacy is built through consistent, caring actions, not calculated moves. Focus on creating a culture of genuine connection, not one of episodic innuendo and pressure.
Physical Intimacy: Being Present
Physical intimacy means being close to your wife, even when sex isn't on deck. Here are some simple ways to cultivate physical closeness without the expectation of sex.
Sit close to her on the couch while watching a movie. Hold her hand.
Make frequent eye contact, especially when she's speaking, and most importantly, when she's sharing her feelings.
Engage in activities together. This could include romantic dates, but also simple things like grocery shopping or grabbing coffee. Kimberly and I spent last summer daytripping to state parks for hikes, but we stopped at antique shops and cafes along the way. It was inexpensive, accessible, and fun.
Show care through actions around the house. Take initiative with chores, especially those she dislikes (serving her IS loving her). Prepare a meal together, enjoying music, a beer and conversation. Your service to her and your family, by joyfully doing the chores no one wants to do, is a powerful sacrificial love. Complaining about it fuels resentment and conflict.
Verbal Intimacy: Sharing Your Heart
Verbal intimacy involves sharing thoughts and feelings you typically don't discuss with others. Talking about parenting or work is fine, but what she craves is insight into your inner world – your feelings, reactions, and spiritual growth.
Offer sincere compliments. Tell her she's beautiful, or that her new boots are smokin’ hot. Or, even better, praise her character, her heart, or the way she mothers your kids.
Practice active listening. When she shares feedback, focus on understanding her perspective, even if you disagree. Reflect back what you hear her saying. (example: “What I heard you say is that you were frustrated that I did not put the clothes in the dryer like you asked. Is that right?”). You’ll know you’re on the right track when she responds with “Yes!”, and then adds more emotion and other examples. She’s not beating up on you. She’s opening up to you.
Avoid critical or sarcastic remarks. You might think you’re making a joke, but how it was perceived is what matters most. Unsolicited feedback is usually perceived as criticism. If you slip up, apologize immediately and ask how it made her feel.
Don’t be sorry, but ask for forgiveness instead. Sorry just means you feel bad about yourself. Forgiveness is rooted in humility and it restores the relationship. Try this formula: “I need to ask for your forgiveness for how (I snarled at you angrily when you asked for help—insert your own offense here). I know that I hurt you. Will you forgive me for being mean and can we restore the relationship and get back to normal?” She might need some time to express her hurt to you, but if you remain humble and listen, she will most likely forgive you. Once that happens, both of you should move on and continue with your day.
Express your appreciation for her. Tell her how important she is, how she's changed you, and the impact she's had on your kids. No one is perfect, but “catch her in a good moment” and tell her.
When she expresses hurt or frustration, listen and validate her feelings. Don't defensively respond with your inventory of her transgressions. Forgive in seconds and move on.
Your teacher told you silence is golden. It is not. It is cancer.
Emotional Intimacy: Connecting on a Deeper Level
Your wife is not just your friend or roommate; she's your closest confidant. Emotional intimacy is built on sharing your deepest feelings, even the difficult ones.
When she asks about your day, go beyond "fine." Share specific events and, more importantly, your emotional responses to them. She wants to understand your heart and what you're experiencing.
Don't feel pressured to always have everything under control. Sharing vulnerability isn't weakness; it's strength. Let her in on your struggles and how you felt about them. (This is Kimberly - there is no time I feel more emotionally connected to Wes than when he is vulnerable.)
Last, go after her heart. I cannot emphasize this enough. More than anything, draw her out emotionally. Rather than being quick to solve her problems, ask her how she was feeling instead. Honestly, you don’t have all the answers, so stop pretending. Stick with her in the hard emotions and let her cry or be angry or scared. She won’t stay in that state for long, especially if you meet her there, listen and care. After she’s cried, screamed or raged, she will soften when she knows you’ve heard her and understood. She’ll cling to you, even when things are bad, when you do this. There is no other relationship on earth like this one.
Bonus Tip: Play
Play is a powerful way for children to connect with us and with each other. We cherish memories of playful interactions with our kids: chasing them, playing hide-and-seek, pushing them on a swing and teasing that they’ll twist over the top, or eliciting belly laughs with tickles before bedtime. These moments build strong attachments. Playfulness can have the same effect on your relationship with your wife.
A playful sense of humor can help her relax and feel less defensive. It also communicates that you enjoy spending time with her. Show her that you want to have fun together by planning activities you both enjoy. A simple outing, like a trip to Bay Beach (which can be done for under $20), can be a great way to reconnect. Enjoy the rides, share a hot dog, and stroll along the shore. It will create opportunities for playful interaction. Being silly encourages her to reciprocate and join in the fun.
Playfulness means abandoning seriousness and connecting with joy. Dance with your kids, tickle your wife, surprise them with spontaneous gestures, and fill your home with laughter.
